Thinking of You
by CavanaughCSI3
Summary: Olivia and Casey were together before Casey was fired from the ADA's office. What would happen if they ran into each other a year after Casey left New York?


**Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know I am still working on 'Firsts' but I got the idea for this story when I was listening to Katy Perry's 'Thinking of You' on the way to work the other day and I had to run with it, so...here you go!**

**Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with Katy Perry other then being a fan or with SVU other then being BIG fan. Jack is my character but he's not a big deal.**

**Enjoy!****Thinking of You**

* * *

Olivia groaned internally as she walked out of her 3rd and final lecture of the day. She and Elliot had been sent to a conference in Chicago but Kathy had come down with the flu right before they had to leave so Elliot was forced to stay in New York. She was left to face the conference alone since Munch and Fin were in the middle of a big case.

She was thankful that the day was over but was dreading the fact that she still had 5 days left. As she walked through the hotel lobby back to her room a woman caught her eye. She thought that she had been seeing her everywhere for the past year but the strawberry blonde standing by the bar looked so much like her it made her stop dead in her tracks. It couldn't be? Could it?

The detective slowly walked towards the window hoping to catch a better glimpse of the tall woman without being seen. What if it was her? Could she talk to her? Should she talk to her? She looked into the window silently willing the woman inside to turn around just a little more. Just as she was about to give up the woman looked over her shoulder and unknowingly gave Olivia a full view of her face. The brunette's breath caught in her throat when she saw that she was right. The woman sitting in the bar was:

Casey Novak.

Olivia hadn't seen Casey in just over a year since she walked out of the SVU squad room for the last time. When Olivia got home that night she found a letter from Casey had been slipped under her door. Apparently after being fired from the District Attorney's office Casey had decided to leave New York which meant leaving the detective. The couple had been together for a year and half and though the last 6 months hadn't exactly been the best 6 months of their relationship she hadn't expected Casey to break up with her – especially in a letter. She hadn't left a forwarding address and she hadn't tried to make contact.

As the detective stood in the lobby looking through the window at the love of her life she couldn't decide what to do. She wanted to walk in there and confront her while another part of her told her to run away as fast as possible. The decision was made for her though when the former ADA turned around and locked eyes with her. Casey's green eyes grew wide when she saw her ex-girlfriend standing outside the bar. Neither woman seemed to know what to do for a moment. They just stood there; staring. Somehow Casey seemed to find her legs again and she slowly made her way outside to stand in front of her.

"Hi," the taller woman breathed.

Olivia swallowed before she said, "Hi."

Both of them seemed at loss for words. "How've you been?" Casey asked after another silence.

"I've been ok. Same ol' same ol' you know. Sick pervert after murderer and so on. What have you been doing with yourself?" Olivia asked awkwardly.

"I'm teaching now. Northwestern."

The detective forced a smile, "Oh! Good for you!"

"Thanks. So I'm guessing that you are here for the conference?" Casey said motioning towards the ballrooms.

"Yeah. Elliot was supposed to come too but Kathy got sick right before we had to leave so…"

"Ah, that's too bad. It would've been great to seem him too."

'And it would've made this whole situation a lot easier to deal with.' Olivia thought to herself. "Yeah, well, I will tell him that you said hi! So what are you…?"

Olivia's question was answered before it came out of her mouth when a man came up and wrapped his arms around Casey's waist.

"Hey babe! Here you are!"

Casey smiled awkwardly, "Here I am!" She glanced over her shoulder at the man behind her and then back to the woman before her. "Olivia Benson, Jack Stevens. Jack Stevens, Olivia Benson."

"Nice to meet you," Jack said as he lifted a hand off of Casey's hip long enough to shake Olivia's hand.

"You too," Olivia lied as she squeezed his hand.

"Olivia is a detective that I used to work with in SVU." Casey explained.

"Oh! So nice to finally meet someone from Casey's past life! I'm a detective in homicide." Jack told her.

Olivia nodded not knowing what to say. The group was silent for a minute before Jack spoke up.

"Well, I hate to break up this little reunion but we have reservations in 45 minutes honey." Jack reminded her as he stepped to her side and took Casey's hand.

The strawberry blonde nodded, "Right, right."

"Well, it was great to see you." Olivia said. She wasn't sure if she should hug her or shake her hand so she just stood there awkwardly.

"Yeah, you too. Take care of yourself Liv." Casey said before Jack led her away.

It took Olivia a moment to pull herself together before continuing on to her room. She had just made it to the elevator when she heard someone calling her name. When she turned around she saw Casey rushing towards her.

"Hey Case." The detective's heart rose and sank at the same time seeing Casey in front of her once more.

Olivia held her breath when Casey asked, "How much longer are you in town?"

"5 more days."

"Well, I would love to…I mean I know that we didn't exactly…I was so stupid…" Casey fumbled for her words. She seemed more nervous now then she had been before. She collected herself before continuing, "I totally understand if you don't want to but I would love to actually catch up with you. Here's my card. My office number and my cell number are on it. If you want to I would really appreciate it but if you don't call I totally understand. Um…um…bye."

Olivia's former colleague ran away as quickly as she came and left her standing there at the elevator with the card in her hand. There was only one thought running through the detective's head, 'What the hell do I do now?'

* * *

That was the same thought that she had when she found herself standing outside Casey's apartment 2 nights later. She was not sure what made her call her ex-girlfriend yesterday but she did. She was surprised when Casey invited her to her apartment for dinner; not some restaurant in town or at Olivia's hotel – her apartment. The detective had been pacing in front of the front door for almost 10 minutes trying to get up the courage to knock but that was no longer a problem when the door was opened for her.

"Do you want to come in now or do you need another few minutes?" Casey smiled.

Olivia tripped over her words in surprise, "I…um…I was just…" She stopped herself and took a deep breath, "I'm ok." Stepping into the door way she came face to face with Casey, "Hi."

The strawberry blonde smiled again, "Hi."

They both stood there for a moment not knowing what to do next. Olivia was surprised when Casey wrapped her arms around her shoulders in a tight hug. It took a minute before Olivia found the strength in her arms to hug her back.

"Let me take your coat," Casey offered as she pulled away.

Olivia shrugged it off and pressed it into Casey's extended hand, "Thanks."

"Make yourself at home. I have to go check on dinner." Casey told her as she hung up the coat and made her way to the kitchen.

Olivia made her way into the living room. Even though it was a completely different apartment in a completely different city, it smelled exactly like Casey's place in New York did. It made Olivia feel at home and that scared her. Glancing around the room, she noticed a large frame with multiple pictures in it was hanging on the wall. She was nervous to look at them not knowing what time in Casey's life would be depicted. She looked over her shoulder to check if Casey was coming back into the room. When she was satisfied that the other woman would be in the kitchen a minute longer she made her way over the wall. She scanned through the photos most of them were of her family that seemed to be taken at holiday gatherings or reunions. The photo in the bottom corner of the frame almost brought tears to her brown eyes.

It was from the company Christmas party the first winter they had been together. The whole SVU team was lined up in front of the desks in the middle of the squad room. Casey and Olivia were in the middle of the group. The tall strawberry blonde had been leaning against the side of a desk and had pulled the detective against her chest. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her. They both looked so happy.

Olivia was glad that the moment was broken when she heard Casey coming back into the room, "I hope you're in the mood for Italian! I've been dying to try this new sauce recipe for weeks."

"Since when do you cook?" Olivia asked with a teasing smile as she took the glass of wine that Casey was offering her.

"My mom taught me how after…everything. I went and stayed with my parents for a month or so while I figured out what to do with myself. She had been dying to teach me how for years you know, she never felt like I took good enough care of myself so while I was bored and unemployed I gave her her wish."

Olivia was willing herself not to chug the glass of wine in her hand and ask for a refill. She had a feeling that she was going to need a lot more of it in order to get through the evening, "How are your parents?" Olivia had spent a few holidays with the Novak clan while they had been a couple. She loved the whole family almost as much as she had loved Casey. They made her feel so welcome.

"They are great. Mom still asks about you. We lit a candle for you at Christmas mass last year. She was always so worried about you being a cop." Casey told her.

"Well, please tell them that I say hello." The detective said as she rocked back and forth on her heels.

Casey smiled, "I will. Come on, dinners ready."

Throughout their meal they covered multiple topics: Olivia's latest cases, the disaster that was Kim Greylek, how Casey ended up being a professor in Chicago and further details of her family but the white elephant in the room still remained – their relationship. After refilling their wine glasses and opening another bottle to let it breathe they settled themselves on the couch. They were both quiet until Olivia decided to bite the bullet and ask the question she had been avoiding all night.

"How long have you and Jack been together?" She knew that Casey was bisexual so the fact that she was dating a man was not a surprise. Olivia's detective skills had gathered that they hadn't been together too long because she didn't find any masculine touches around the apartment. There wasn't even a photo of him.

"About 4 months." Casey answered.

Olivia nodded, happy to hear that her evaluation was correct. Her next question slipped out before she even noticed it was on the tip of her tongue. "Are you happy with him?"

Casey's eyes grew wide at the detective's question though she wasn't completely surprised by it. She paused for a moment before answering honestly, "I thought I was."

"Thought you were?" Olivia inquired with a questioning look.

The ADA turned professor chewed on her bottom lip trying to decide exactly how she should answer the posed question, "I thought that I was happy, until I saw you through the window at the hotel the other day."

Olivia was stunned. She certainly hadn't expected that answer. She was at loss for words which in the end was ok because Casey kept talking.

"Now before you say anything, please just hear me out. I practiced this in front of my mirror for almost an hour this morning though I am sure that it won't come out the way that I originally planned it. Please?" she asked with pleading green eyes.

The detective could only nod as she took a long drink from her wine glass.

Casey closed her eyes and took a deep breath before starting, "I was a complete idiot for leaving you the way that I did. No, idiot isn't even the right word for it – I couldn't think of the right word this morning either." She paused for a moment before blurting out,

"Fucking stupid, asshole, bitch is probably more accurate. If you have a word that you think fits it more appropriately I will completely agree with you because I am sure you are more right then I am. Anyway, the fact is I was scared – scared because I had just lost my job and had no idea what I was going to do, scared because we weren't in a good place and I didn't know what to do there either.

"We had barely gotten over the whole Charlie situation before you went undercover in that prison even though I begged you not too. I understand why you went. I really REALLY do and I should've just been supportive from the get go but the thought of you in prison with all those low lives and with a guard rapist made me terrified. It was already hard for me not to be scared when you went off to work on a regular day much less working undercover like that. I was lost when you were under with the FBI and I didn't know how to handle it again. I know that it wasn't going to be as long and you were still in the same state and everything but…again, the thought of you in there was harder to accept then you with a group of eco-terrorists as crazy as that sounds. And then when everything happened to you I wanted nothing more then to hold you and make everything go away but I couldn't. There wasn't anything that I could do to make it better and to make things worse you pushed me away. I know that you were dealing with things your own way and I have to respect that and I have no idea what it's like to deal with something like that but…I just felt so lost. Then when I got fired AND disbarred my life spiraled out of control and at that point we still weren't in a good place so I made the horrible decision of running away from it all. It was by far the absolute worst decision of my life and if I could go back and do it all over again I would. I should've stayed and fought for us because that's what we deserve.

"Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you; what you're doing, what your life is like, if you've moved on and are happy with someone else. I've lost count of how many times I've wanted to call you and apologize and tell you how stupid I was, or how many letters I have started to write trying to explain my actions but there really aren't words to express how I feel. I'm not even sure if what I just said really covers it. I still love you Olivia, I'm still in love with you. Every time I am with Jack, though I should probably tell you I've never _been_ with him, I am thinking of you. The last time I was truly happy was when I was with you and I don't think I could be happy with anyone but you. You are the love of my life."

Olivia sat there and stared at her ex-girlfriend until she finally begged, "Liv, please say something."

"I'm not sure if fucking stupid, asshole, bitch is the correct term but it is close." Casey laughed. The older woman had always known how to put her at ease and that was something that hadn't changed. "I know that I shut you out after everything that happened and I'm sorry. I never should've acted like that. I guess that I was afraid that you looked at me differently and that all I would hear is, 'I told you so.'" Olivia bit her lip as she turned away and adverted her gaze.

Casey was almost in shock, "Honey you know that I never would've said anything like that. All I wanted to do was to take your pain away. How've you been dealing with everything?" She'd been dying to ask all night and figured this was as good of time as any.

"I'm doing better. I've been in counseling for a while now and though I'm not completely over it it's…better." She answered still not looking Casey in the face.

The strawberry blonde inched closer to the other woman. She rested her hand on the detective's arm and when she saw that her touch wasn't being rejected she slowly started to move it upwards to her shoulder. "I don't know what else to say to convey how sorry I am for everything that I've done. I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't expect you to take me back but I had to tell you because I never thought I would ever get the chance. I love you."

A small gasp left Olivia's lips when she turned back and found the Casey was much closer then she was expecting her to be. Mere inches separated them. Her heart screamed at her to close the distance between them, to taste those lips that she had missed for so long; while her head was telling her to run. She made a slight compromise and rested their foreheads together. Maybe it was the wine that was allowing her heart to ignore what her brain was telling her, she would never know. All she really knew is that being that close to Casey Novak again felt right. It felt amazing.

She also wasn't sure if it was the wine that let the next bit of information slip out next, "I've never stopped loving you either."

Tears stung the back of Casey's eyes when Olivia confessed her feelings. She had thought of a million ways that Olivia would've reacted to her apology but this was the last one she was expecting, though it was the one that she wanted to hear the most. Not knowing what to say to convey her happiness, Casey slowly closed the remaining distance between them and touched their lips together. Both women felt an explosion between them even in the brief moment that the kiss lasted. It was an explosion that scared everything out of Olivia,

"I can't do this!" She exclaimed as she jumped up off the couch.

Casey was confused, "Liv…I don't…but…"

"Casey, everything that you just said is pretty close to what I've wanted to hear from you since you left. I go to bed thinking of you every night wishing you were there with me. I know this might sound a little creepy but since this seems to be a night of honesty, you left a bottle of perfume at my place and every once and a while when I am really missing you I spray it on one of my pillows. I dream about you all the time and it breaks my heart when I wake up and realize that it's not real and that you're not there. Now to hear you say all of those things and to admit that you were wrong it's…it's…" Olivia sighed as the collapsed in the arm chair that was next to the couch and buried her face in her hands, "it's wonderful and horrible all at the same time."

The younger woman was frozen in place on the couch as she continued to let the other woman express her feelings, "Knowing that you feel this way but knowing that I'm going back to New York in 3 days, it's not fair."

"Do you wish I wouldn't have told you?" Casey asked dreading the answer.

Olivia looked up at her, "No," she answered honestly, "No, but where do we go from here?"

Silence fell over them once more though Olivia could tell that something was spinning in Casey's head. She finally couldn't take it anymore,

"What?" she asked her.

Casey looked up from her wine glass confused, "What? What?"

"You've got that, 'I'm thinking intently about something' look on your face that you always get when you are debating something in your head. What?"

The former attorney was almost frustrated that the other woman knew her so well, "What if I came back to New York?"

Olivia couldn't believe that she was hearing. This was all moving way too quickly. "Case, I…I don't know…this is all so…" She had never had such a hard time expressing herself.

Casey jumped off the couch and began pacing behind the couch, "I know I shouldn't have said it. It's so crazy, it's too fast. 'Liv, I'm sorry for everything I fucked up. I still love you. How about I move back to New York and back into your life?' I'm sorry I am such an idiot."

"No, Casey you're not an idiot – not about this anyway. Yes, it's a lot to think about, a lot to take in so quickly. Part of me is dying to have you back in my life while the other part is terrified."

Olivia's words helped to put Casey at ease a little, she came around to sit on the coffee table in front of the brunette, "I don't blame you for being scared but I promise you with everything that I am that I will NEVER hurt you again. I will never leave you again unless you tell me too and even then you would have to try REALLY hard to get rid of me because if I have the chance to be with you again I will never let you go."

"But what about you, what about your job, what about Jack?" Olivia wanted to make sure that she had all the facts before she started considering anything.

Casey took Olivia's hands in her, "Well, I met a professor from NYU at a conference a few months ago that has been begging me to come and join his program out there. I would have to finish up the school year here but that's only another 2 months. I could be back in the City by June. And as far as things go with Jack, I broke up with him last night. I didn't do it because I was planning this whole confession to you and I hoped that you could instantly take me back because I don't expect that to happen. I broke up with him because I realized that it wasn't fair to stay with him. It wasn't fair to either of us."

Olivia was quiet as she processed the information but the only conclusion she could really come to was, "I'm going to need some time to think about this." She squeezed Casey's hands before rising from the couch and moving towards the door. The taller woman followed her and helped her with her coat. "Thank you for dinner."

"Of course," Casey smiled.

Neither woman knew how to end their evening but Olivia made the final decision as she stepped forward and hugged the taller woman. They both held on for a long time because they both knew that this could be the beginning of it all or the last time they would ever be together. When they finally broke the embrace they didn't move far from each other. Though neither of them made a move to come closer again, Olivia raised a finger to Casey's lips.

"You know it can't go any further then this, if we do you and I both know that I won't be leaving this apartment tonight and that would do nothing but mess up this situation even further."

Casey nodded in agreement, "I know."

Olivia walked to the door and grabbed the knob as she looked back at Casey one last time.

"I love you." Casey stated.

The brunette smiled as she said, "I love you too."

With that, Olivia walked out of Casey's apartment but the same question was still bouncing around in her head. 'What the hell do I do now?'

* * *

There really was no question as to what to do; Olivia just had to get over the fact that she was scared. And being scared of something was no reason to not be happy for the rest of your life. It was almost 3 months later when Olivia found herself waiting at the security gate at JKF airport. Casey's plane should've been landing at any moment. The brunette was nervous. She knew that the decision that she had made was the right one but she could shake the butterflies in her stomach. She felt almost exactly like she had when she took Casey out on their first date – dinner and a musical.

"Livia!"

The detective's thought were broken at the calling of her name. Turning towards it she saw the love of her life, Casey Novak, with her carry on in hand walking towards her. All 5'10" of her looking more beautiful then the last time she had seen her.

"Hey you." Olivia greeted as she come closer.

Casey dropped her bag and took the older woman in her arms, "Hey yourself."

The world melted away as they held each other. This was their new beginning, their second chance. Olivia wanted nothing more then to kiss her right then and there but she knew that she wouldn't be able to control herself if she started something. So rather then causing a scene she linked their fingers together and led the way to baggage claim.

"So when does all of your stuff get here?" Olivia asked as the watched the cabbie load Casey's bags into the trunk of the car.

"In 2 days. I figured I would grab a hotel or something until then. I don't really feel like sleeping on my luggage in my empty apartment." Casey laughed.

"Don't be silly Case, you're staying at my place." The brunette told her with no question in her voice.

"Liv, we said that we were going to take things slow." She reminded her.

"I know," Olivia assured her with a kiss to the back of her hand, "that is why your new apartment is on a month to month lease but honey, staying with me for a few days is not going to mess anything up. I promise."

As long as Olivia was comfortable with it Casey was too. She was letting Olivia set the pace. She had been the one to mess everything up in the first place and hurt her so badly so Casey felt as though it was only fair.

It didn't take the couple long to make it to the bedroom when they got back to the detective's apartment. A year and a half without each other had left them hungry for the other's touch. They were up until the early hours of the morning relearning each other's bodies; finding the new things that had changed over time. But as they lay in each other's arms that night they both knew that they were there to stay.

* * *

**Hope you liked it! Please review and let me know! I'm back to workin' in 'Firsts' and if you have no idea what I'm talking about it check out my story 'Baby Fever' and then its sequal...'Firsts'!**


End file.
